Nigeria: A good-looking jalopy? (Travelogue)

At times one can hardly resist the temptation to draw an analogy between the Nigerian situation and the workings of a good-looking jalopy. The recent postponement of the National Assembly elections by the Independent National Electoral Commission brought back memories of my several encounters with brand new jalopies. The other day, when I boarded a commercial bus from Kaduna to Zaria, it had to be pushed several times. When at the end of the journey we asked the driver why the seemingly new bus put us through such hardship in addition to the exorbitant fare we paid, he simply laughed and said; “That is Nigeria for you!”
“What do you mean?” I retorted, fire in my eyes.
But he simply drove off, leaving the question lingering in my mind.
Not long after that, I got enmeshed in a similar situation and by the time I was through, the answer to my question fell into place.
It happened in the course of my trip to Lagos last year to cover a colloquium on JP Clark, one of Nigeria’s foremost writers. I made an advance booking with a ‘famous’ transport company along Junction Road, Kaduna, on the eve of the journey. The booking officer received me well and assured that the trip was going to be blissful. In his effort to convince me further, he showed me one of the luxury buses. It was posh and sparkling.
“It is new and equipped with everything you need: toilet, TV, best service,” he said. “Come as early as 6 am. We leave at 7 am sharp and arrive Lagos at 5 pm sharp. Everything here na sharp-sharp!”
Having been thus assured, I set my phone alarm to wake me up at 5 am. And by 6 I was at the bus station.
However, contrary to the assurance, we did not leave Kaduna till about 8.30. Of course, I didn’t expect the bus to depart at 7 on the dot, as the staff were no handset alarms but humans, and Africans for that matter. But I didn’t anticipate a more than one hour delay.
Well, like the other passengers, I took it as one of those punishments one had to endure for being a Nigerian. We were somewhat consoled by the comfort of the bus. It reminded me of my earlier journey to Yola by air. Not much difference; the bus attendant announced the departure in the same manner an air hostess would. With her looks, immaculate, blue uniform, gracious manners and the Queen’s English, she was a real hostess. She served us snacks and drinks – and charming smiles. And the TV was there; a Nigerian movie was on. The air-conditioner too was on… It was a smooth ride.
But the story changed as we neared Abuja. The ‘luxurious’ bus began to cough. Soon the cough degenerated into a hiccup. And we only managed to crawl to Abuja through the combined efforts of the driver, the hostess and us the passengers. Both of them would check the engine, hammer it several times and then ask us to help them push it. We pushed and pushed.
At the company’s station in Abuja we were asked to disembark – as if we needed to be told.
“The bus no go fit reach Lagos,” the driver announced on behalf of the hostess who had lost her charm and was now looking more like a tired mechanic. “Una go enter another one.”
We waited for over an hour before another one came. We heaved a sigh of relief and rushed in. And as we set off, someone said, “Let us pray”. The prayer was loud, long and passionate; and so was the accompanying “amen!” The man was an expert in prayer. He handed over every aspect of the journey to God and dared the devil to try us once more and see what would become of his wretched life.
While the prayer was raging on, I was thinking: If anyone of us had thought of invoking the divine power before leaving Kaduna, the problem would probably have been averted. The mechanical fault that should have been rectified by the maintenance department of the company would have miraculously corrected itself or suspended action till we reached Lagos.
May God forgive us our previous sinful omission and grant us journey mercy was my own secret prayer.
The prayer barely ended when the bus started to cough. Again! Silence fell over the bus; silence and question mark on the face of everyone. “Again?” And our dear hostess was no longer there to answer unasked questions. We had left her and the other driver in Abuja and this one had no hostess. This one had nothing; no air-conditioner, no toilet, no TV. Snacks? Even if there were snacks, I wonder if we would have accepted such gesture from them anymore. We were all pissed off!
The cough was, however, not as recurrent as it was in the other bus; it came once in several miles. Not a serious catarrh, we felt. The driver too seemed to think nothing of it, as he drove on without caring to take a look at the engine. He was fast on the lane and swift in negotiating dangerous bends. By 3 pm we were in Lokoja.
And that was where the real problem began. We parked by a restaurant and as soon as we got out to have our lunch, the driver zoomed off. He didn’t tell anyone where he was going to and no one asked. Maybe it was because we were all tired and hungry. But after we had refreshed and come to our senses we began to ask each other questions we should have asked the driver. Where has he gone to? Where could he have gone to? What is wrong with this man? Maybe he has gone to repair the vehicle, some speculated. Or maybe he has run away…
After waiting for two hours in vain, our suppressed state of panic began to spill over. Some of us phoned the head office of the company threatening fire and brimstone. They responded that we should be patient, they would address the situation as soon as possible. 4 pm… 5 pm… the situation was yet to be addressed.
Then around 5.15 a bus with the company’s logo drove in.
“Where are those going to Lagos?” the driver asked. We all rushed to him. “Sorry, your bus still dey with mechanic; I brought this one from Abuja so as not to waste your time.”
Instantly, everybody shouted at him, insulting him and his father, including the company and its entire thieving managers. But at the end of it all, we got into the bus and the journey resumed once again.
This time around, the bus did not cough. But, of course, we got to Lagos at a very ungodly hour; some of us had to sleep at the station, exposed to the unwholesome air of Lagos night.
That is Nigeria for you! That is the analogy of my dear country, the ‘giant’ of Africa.
With the unfolding events as the election progresses, it is hoped that, like this journey, the cough and hiccups would still lead us to the Promised Land, no matter how late we may get there.

(c) Reporter's Diary by Sumaila Umaisha, published in the column, WritersVillage, in New Nigerian newspapers.

ANA celebrates one of Nigeria’s finest writers

Late Ken Saro Wiwa, who was an author, television producer, environmental activist, and winner of the Right Livelihood Award and the Goldman Environmental Prize before his execution by the Abacha regime in November 10, 1995, will be celebrated by the Association of Nigerian Authors, ANA. According to the National Secretary of ANA, Mr. Hyancinth Obunseh, in an interview with SUMAILA UMAISHA, the colloquium, holding in Port Harcourt from 10th to 14th August, 2011, is aimed at interogating his contribution to literature.

What is the colloquium on the late writer, Ken Saro Wiwa, which will be taking place at the University of Port Harcourt from Wednesday, 10th to Sunday, 14th August 2011, all about?
The colloquium in Port Hacourt is about celebrating one of Nigeria and Niger Delta’s finest writers. His works, his life, his environment. He was chairman of the Rivers State branch of the Association of Nigerian, ANA, and rose to become its National President. He was extra-judicially murdered by the Federal Government of Nigeria. He is worthy of celebration because his writings and works in his lifetime attracted international attention. So, when the ANA National EXCO met in January to decide on who to celebrate this year amongst our literary icons, his name came up and got unanimous support.
What are the objectives of the event?
The main objective of the event is to interogate his contributions to literature. He may be gone, but in the time he was around and writing, how much did he affect African literary discourse? What has been his impact? Does he have followers?
Give us an insight into the activities that will take place at the event.
This time around, it will not be the usual four-day affair. It will be five. On arrival, there will be cocktail for everyone, and then we retire for the night. The following day we will have the opening ceremony and the first plenary session. After this, we will have a play on Ken Saro Wiwa in the evening. On the third day we will have two more plenary sessions and then go sight-seeing. On the fourth day, we will go to his home in Ogoni land and have literary party, then in the evening, in the course of the closing ceremony/dinner, winners of the adaptation of his works will be announced and the winning play staged. Then on the fifth day, we all depart for our various homes.
This involves a lot of money; how is ANA going to get sponsorship for it?
Sponsorship has, you may well know, been sore tomb in our affairs as an association. This time around, we are hoping to get some support from the federal government, ministries, Rivers and Bayelsa state governments, NDDC etc. We are optimistic on this.
Some may wonder why it has taken ANA this long to celebrate Saro Wiwa
There is no time for anything! I mean, whatever we have to do, we have to do. To paraphrase Achebe, whenever a man wakes up is his morning! Yes, we should have celebrated him long before now, but we did not. We are doing so now, and in style!
The JP Clark colloquium nearly failed due to the handling of the event. What are you doing to ensure the success of this one?
There were very many factors that almost marred our celebration of J P Clark, including funding, several change of dates, University of Lagos examinations (at the time we finally got our acts together), non-payment of staff salaries in some universities where paper prese nters were to come from, last minute cancellations by ANA branch delegates and so on. This time around, the committee set up by the EXCO are determined to work around the clock to plug these and other loop holes. We have started early and have the full support of the EXCO and President to do our work. We are working to see that we have a great colloquium, as never before!
What is the level of preparation so far?
At this time, we have inaugurated an LOC in Port Harcourt who are to liaise with the University of Port Harcourt authorities; reached out to paper presenters, called for entries for the competition on adaptation of his works, apart from his plays. We are on course.
After the colloquium, what next, in terms of ANA activities?
Oh, we are planning several workshops around the country and also the 2011 annual international convention.

(c) Published in 'WritersVillage', New Nigerian On Sunday, April 3, 2011.